life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
