So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i dont even know how to be here
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize