You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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