I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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