What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
