Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I deserve this hangover.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
