Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize