Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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