This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
