im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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