babies were throwing up all over the place
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
