he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
