4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
