oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
