Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
