So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
