Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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