I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
