i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
