drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
