It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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