My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
