I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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