btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have fence marks all over my body
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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