Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
