I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
