I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
