I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
