my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
