i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
