The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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