girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize