I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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