At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize