I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
