hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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