if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
