she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
