I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's never too late to be topless.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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