the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
