and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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