nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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