I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
