I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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