Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize