Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
