i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
