I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
