He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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