Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
