Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
