She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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