just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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