He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
