Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
